Friday, July 25, 2008

Just Too Much Right Now

I'm on really shaky ground right now. I realize I've been plastering a smile in the place of hurt. Last night, while talking about babies, someone thought I said we were expecting to which I quickly set the facts straight. The person made some comments about that being crazy if I did and that would be too much right now. And then she sat down and laughed hysterically at the idea of it all. So, I put my smile on and pretended that nothing inside me was screaming out in anguish. Because really I should be pregnant right now, and what would that person say to me? Too much right now? Oh, look and Brett and Adelia, they have such a big family, blahbityblah, blah, blah. They really need to learn what causes that. Just because it sounds ridiculous to you, and you couldn't handle several children, don't put that on me. At least now I know what she really thinks of us!

In the mean time, I've been crying. I finally cried to Brett. I've been putting on my brave front since he is Mr Sensible and I thrive on pure sense. I'm glad I did though because he reached out for me. And here's where I say, it doesn't matter if I have one, none or seven children, it hurts when you have a miscarriage. It's so common that it's just cast off as one of those things. Well, one of those things has me in tears. I'm so sad and it took an off humor person to bring the hurt truly to the surface.

I just want to crawl under a rock and hide. One bad day followed by another. Right now it's just too much.

I know that the Lord will see me through this time. My prayer is that I will respond instead of react. A constant prayer request.

And I'll put up a happy post soon. Dont' want to bring a gloomy cloud to everyone.

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Jerri Dalrymple said...

Girl, I truly feel your pain. I still get a pang in my gut when I think back on my miscarriage. I sometimes daydream of meeting that child in heaven. No matter how long you were pregnant before the miscarriage, that was a soul, a life, and God treasures that even more than we do (hard to imagine as a mommy, huh?). I had already had 2 healthy pregnancies in a hard time of life, so then to lose one when my life was so good and I was so healthy was such a shock. I know that I would think I was fine after a while, and then something, or someone, would happen or be said, etc., and the river of tears would seem to come from out of nowhere. I just want to reassure you that time will heal this somewhat, but the loss of a child never really leaves you. Every time I go to the doctor or such and they ask how many children/pregnancies, it stings. I love you and am here for you anytime, anywhere....I'll be there.
Father, I pray that today you would put your loving arms of protection especially tight around Adelia and keep the negativity of the enemy away from her. Help her just to be able to enjoy this day and her family and relax in You, Lord. Amen.

Mrs Smiley Joe said...

Simply said, Thank You!

Sun-Kissed Savages said...

Try not to listen. Some people are just plain stupid. And others just don't know when to be quiet. Everyone should have an edit button on their mouths. If only people would THINK before they speak. And the real issue--if people would think NICE things and then decide whether or not to speak.
I'm sorry for your pain, girl. Miscarriage may be fairly common, but it's also very painful, and I don't think many people realize that.
I hope all the tears were a good release and part of the healing. As Jerri said, it always hurts but the pain seems less intense as time goes by. You'll be able to breath again, with just twinges of sadness and loss...
Love you.