Wednesday, July 9, 2008

My Heart's Ache

You should know, talkative as I am, I don't share everything with everyone. My friend from college thought I told her everything; years later, I let her in on a couple of secrets to which she exclaimed, "You do keep secrets, don't you!?" Yes, I do. But I also like to air some stuff out. Those privy to such encounters are probably snickering right now...Some days it's too much information!! Heh. I'm going to share with you my hearts cry right now. Most of you know that I have not felt well for weeks now, actually over a month of feeling out of it. Exhaustion, dizzy spells, moodiness, and the big kicker was the late night nausea. What does that sound like to you guys. Pregnancy, right? But once again the odds of me being pregnant were slim to non-existent. How could I be pregnant? I just had one heck of a weird, horrible period. That means I'm not pregnant right?

After thinking on it a little, I took a test. Oh my look at that faint positive line. I must have tested early. I'll test again in a few days....A few days later, negative...We've miscarried. And what I mistook as my period (and deep down, I knew this wasn't a regular period) was a miscarriage. There was just enough hormone left over for us to find out we did have a baby, but that baby and its sweet spirit are now dwelling with the Lord. How can my heart ache for something that was so unplanned and seemed a little crazy? I don't know, but it does. Yes, I'm okay and getting better.

It's just so strange to think about. Brett took the news well of having another baby. He said, "What's in life better than our children?" My husband, for once, said the most perfect thing ever!!! That smoothed over the Oh my goodness factor. It all seemed to be coming together. I've had such a calm, contented spirit lately. I took a position with Mothering Matters that demanded less time. The now baby would be almost 30months when our new bundle arrived. And the new bundle would be arriving after tax time. It was going to be okay. Just as soon as we rationalized the okayness of the news, it was gone. And I can't get it back. I'm a fixer by nature, and I can't fix this. No tools in the Ms Fix-It-Belt can help this brokenness. Once again, I'm OKAY, just aching...

I slept for the good part of two days after we found out. My dear friend Dana and her mother invited us for a day at the creek with them. That was exactly what I needed. I didn't have to chase or tend to my kids. They just played in the shallowness of the cool water for hours. They made an island by moving rocks, had an "in" the creek tea party (not to be confused with creek side tea party), found rocks with fossils, caught crawdads, fish, and snails. Alex licked slimy rocks. How does that seem like a good idea?? Dana and I had chairs set in the water just up to our bums. Grammy, Dana's mom, felt free to douse others with buckets full of water upon occasion. It was perfect. The outdoors and seeing the blessings (my children and friendship) before me was just what I needed. When I arrived home, my other dear friend Wendy, had left her mark at my door. There was a bag with a googly-eyed card poking out. She had left me a relaxation gift. I'm so blessed by so many in my world. Thanks ladies for loving on me.

So, here I am. Getting better and loving my blessings. Just a little ache in my heart, but thankful that I at least know we have a little spirit in Heaven.

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Sun-Kissed Savages said...

I'm so glad that you had a good day with Dana. :-)

I love you, girl.

Shan said...

Ohhhhh. xoxo Hope you feel better soon.

Suzanne said...

Many prayers.