You really have to be careful what you have an emotional breakdown about because your husband just might fix it for you. Usually, my husband allows me to deal with struggles in my life and from my past on my own. Often I would find myself angry at him for not 'saving' me as a knight in shining armor saves his princess. However, my husband has never viewed me as a princess. He sees me as a queen quite capable of ruling and enduring life's trials on her own. He's said to me before that he can't fix my challenges, but that working with the Lord would lead me in the right direction. He's such a great, wise guy. (no sarcasm implied)
And my need to be a princess (everyone say I'm a princess that's why with me) is met by my family. My Mom and brother--not Phil, he's the baby of the family so he doesn't give much me, me, me room--and my grandparents all treat me like I'm so fantastic. When my Nanny and Papa were in while my brother was in the hospital, my Papa opened my door when I got in the truck, drove me to my truck, made sure I locked my doors, made sure I left the parking lot in one piece and told my Mom "I wish she'd let me drive her home. I'd like to drive that little girl home." I'm a princess to my family, but to my husband, I am his other half, manager of our home, keeper of kids. I'm capable. I'm his Queen. I'll accept his faith and respect!!
Anyway, I'm really striving for balance. One area of my life that is imbalanced is the whole extended family area. We see Brett's family often, but we hardly see my family. It's been four years since I've seen my family on my mom's side. I rarely go to see my Nanny and Papa. My kids don't know where I come from. You don't either. Did you know that I'm a country girl at heart? A chic country girl. So, missing certain elements of me and them left me a little teary and sad. That went on for two weeks while I had a couple of other events going on and lack of sleep. But I'm tired of being teary. I received a call from a lady in our SmallTown who offered to be my go to girl in life's crisis moments. She's a transplant as well and knew that part of my issues stemmed from not having connections in town. She's agreed to call me when storms blow through and people are without electricity just to make sure we're still standing and such. Go to girl, right. And I'm thanking the Lord for her, her wisdom and friendship.
That leaves the issue of my kids not knowing where I come from or the family. And then a light bulb went off. I've decided to work on Project: Pieces of Me. I'm going to video every family member I have and have them answer specific questions, tell their favorite stories from childhood and the family that are no longer with us and make one stinkin' awesome video that I can share with all of our family. This will help with closure for me and making sure that memories survive. Once again, striving for balance. I'll not tell my whole sad story, but so much has been lost already. I feel like this would be a healing thing for me. Balance.
Okay, so you know I was kinda wanting to move 'home.' Well, I sorted through this and was feeling better about looking at our roots here in SmallTown. Are they rooted enough to stay? Are they shallow enough to leave? Big questions. My husband gets up two Sundays ago and says, Della, how far is Russellville from your family. Um, what? Me, about an hour and a half, if that. Him, So, about half-way between my childhood home and yours. What do you think about moving there. That way you'd see your family more often. Did I mention that my husband never helps me through my teary episodes in life, let alone move us because of it! I thought this was just a kind conversation he shared with me in order to show that he does care about my feminine heart and expected nothing more. BUT my dear husband has already called his boss to look into transferring, called his family, talked to other people. Apparently, this was not just a bit of kind words he gave me, but an intentional thought. He's serious!
Breathe, you see I had already 'fixed' my issues and determined myself to be rooted in SmallTown. Now what? Well, prayer of course.
And this brings me to this weekend. I had arranged for Brett's best friend, Justin and his wife, Heather to meet us in Rville for Brett's B-day surprise. Ironic, eh? I have to admit, part of me becomes alive when we hit that topographical location. You know, river valley, awesome big truck driving, hand waving, friendly land. And did you know that their trees are already green??!! Their Big Trees! They do have a Christian home school association! There's a long list of pro's. However, I have a loooonnnnggg list of cons as well. We wouldn't move until the end of this year or the Spring of 2010. Brett is quite serious. Part of me has already decided that I could go back 'home' and visit every week! Plus, it's quite the fisherman's dream. And thirty minutes in each direction is a different landscape. Mountains, rivers, swamps, flats...
Anywho, that's where we are right now. In prayer. Praying for God to show us the right door and close the others. I'm at peace right now. Additionally, I've decided to give all I have to this SmallTown whether or not we leave. I plan to pour out all I have to friends and even picking up some extra. I'm committed to home schooling using all the resources that we have in this area and from these people right now. I'm not guarding myself for 'just in case.' Balance, remember. Not guarding against hurt or sorrow, not being ridiculously buoyant! Not too little or too much. Just right. Balance. I can do this.