Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Pieces of Me

I have a good life. Really. But my life would make some women cringe and wither. I mean, I'm currently living on a mountain in the middle of no where in a {maybe} 900 sq ft house that contains 4 children while incubating another that is due around the time we hope to move into our big house next spring. But I get to be around my children every day. Every moment. Yes, sometimes that makes me gasp for air, but mostly it makes my heart sing.

I never knew this piece of me existed before I met Brett. I had convinced myself I would never marry and that I could not have children. Not would not, could not. I think that just comes from my tumultuous childhood. Just didn't want to be a parent, didn't think I could be. I thought I'd live as a single woman all of my days with my dog and fish in some big city working as linguist traveling to Europe, the Middle East and Japan.

When Brett and I were first twitter-pated with one another, he said he wanted 4 or 5 kids. Um...I said the max would be 2. Here we are expecting number 5. It just amazes me that that piece I never knew existed, surfaced and was healed.

Now, my real future and present is me being a momma. I've not jetted around the world. There are times that I still dream in Japanese. I wake up excited and disappointed. A piece of me mourns that never realized future. But then I look at my bed filled sleeping imps--a baby girl and two little boys who infiltrated during the night. Brett, still in a deep sleep, unaware that one of the boys has thrown his leg across Brett's chest. If I was given a glimpse of both futures, I hope that glimpse would have contained the feeling that swells in my chest when I see my family. That feeling of THIS is IT, this is what life is about.

It's about the stuffy noses, the cups of drinks that get spilled, the arguments among brothers, the bad attitudes and sleep rebellion. It's also the sweet cuddles and smiles, the helping hands while making brownies, the giggles among the same brothers, the fort building genius, and sweet good night songs and kisses.

Yes, this mothering piece of me would squash that other potential future. I still hope to see Japan--just with my kids in tow. You know, we homeschool--living education and all that jazz...

We went to Ft Smith this past weekend to see the Nina and Pinta replicas that are sailing through. I am not a Ft Smith fan. I think of it as generally dirty and dangerous. To this mountain dwelling woman, the site of the River Valley was most welcoming. The air carried with it a bit of familiar, the horizon didn't have a mountain in sight. A piece of me, the Central Arkansas piece of me came alive. I became quite the chatter box. If you think I talk a lot now, you should come back home with me.

There is a piece of me that comes alive when I think of flat land, hot, sweltering summers, deep accents that go back generations, four wheeling at night, trucks with lifts. Yep, that redneck side of me comes alive.

I never drive home, especially at night. Usually it's because these dang roads make me so sick, but after our romp in the River Valley I couldn't quiet my spirit. Talking and driving while Brett dozed on and off. A piece of me that had laid dormant for too long was alive! My voice was starting to give toward the end, the result of not talking then suddenly awakening my voice.

If we were in the position to just buy any home we wanted, we would buy a house on the lake in Heber Springs. One with a basement two stories underground. You see, the biggest reason we don't live that direction is the tornadoes. I hate tornadoes. Yes, they could happen here, but it's less likely. There, it is guaranteed. The second thing that keeps me away is my terrible fear of the New Madrid fault line. Yep, I enjoy moonlighting as a conspiracy theorist and I know that thing is going to go. I feel even here is a little too close for comfort.

But this piece of me, unlike the business woman piece, that may never be realized and I want it to be. I miss it. My trips back are too few and far in between. This piece of me hopes to awaken again soon.

And then there is the piece of me that lies quiet on purpose. That piece of me stays here, awake, with me as I'm typing. It's the piece that says, sure I'll move to Newton County where I have no friends and the nearest grocery store is over an hour away and I'm guaranteed to throw up on the way home because I'm so car sick.

So, that piece endures. Endures the FB updates of her friends and posts of "had such a great time with so and so" and knows that if she hadn't moved, her name would be there or we would be in a set tagged photos. FB is like watching my life go by before me. The piece that said sure let's go seems to just press on, but also misses her friends. This piece is getting by and hasn't really cried about her loss. Then we went on the field trip to the battlefield and saw a few of my closest friends. That was followed by a couple of fantastic phone conversations from friends I hadn't talked to since the move. The week that followed was really emotionally rough. Just on the inside, I was turning and turning the emotions. That quiet piece was growing sad and uneasy. This piece of me worries about how long this long distance thing will work.

Friendships are built on commonalities and life experiences shared together. How long can that go on if you see each other every three months or so?

This piece of me is hopeful that I'll make friends here. But at the same time, this piece is also unwilling to put myself out there. I've already been at the end of the gossip chain concerning my parenting skills and homeschooling ability here. This piece of me is becoming hardened. In my immediate area, the nicest people have been the atheists, the hippies and the Jehovah's Witness. So, this piece of me is really feeling like I'll not have any vested friendships. Of course, this feeling is marred by the fact that our vehicles have been malfunctioning since we moved here. Once that is straightened out, I plan on meeting up with a lady I seem to have quite a bit in common with. Transportation has not been on our side.

This is where I've been the last couple of weeks. Struggling with this piece of myself. Finally cried about it this weekend. Not just a tear or watering in my eyes but a good sob. Self pity is repulsive and I took a good swim in it Saturday morning. Picking myself up out of the muck and trusting that the Lord is holding this piece of me. Knowing what I need and who I need.

These are just a few pieces of me that have come out recently. Aren't we a complicated creation?
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Jenny said...

Adelia you are so loved! Do you know that?! I want to come over with some fresh bread, shoo the boys out with cookies, rock your baby girl & just visit.

You sound like me when we moved to Arkansas - except I always wanted to marry/be a mom & I left my beloved mountains, the Appalachians. We do NOT have mountains here. LOL There is not place on earth like the WV mtns.

It's all a hard part of 'growing up' unfortunately. I haven't completely grown up yet! I am still praying for that special friend for you. It may take time but one day you'll look back & realize this is the friend God sent just for you.

Remember you're a tough southern woman who can get through the hard times & make wonderful memories for your children. O such stories your boys will tell when they are men of the crazy things they've done.

Adelia said...

Your words always make me smile and feel loved, Ms Jenny! You are so dear to me. Thank you for your prayers and encouragement!