Friday, July 19, 2013

Leaning

It has not been a big secret.  I'm a fairly open person.  My openness likely stems from having been surrounded by too many lies in my life before becoming an adult.  I let my life out so that others don't feel quite so alone.  Anyway, not a big secret that my life has been difficult and trying for the last year, more like two....But who's counting?  {me}

In that difficulty, I have not always responded the best I could have.  No, I have been at the bottom of the mothering and spousal barrel.  All of the challenges brought up old issues that I never knew I had or had buried altogether. 

Up welled the issues.  Down shot the roots of bitterness.  In set the justification.  Frustration was my morning brew.

I could see it happening.  It was like looking at a reflection.  The ugly girl was setting up residency, the girl who desired to be well and thankful banging on the glass to get out but wasn't strong enough.

Ugh.  That has been my life.  Until a month or so ago.  I was away at my Nanny's for the Color Me Rad race I was running with T and Hoot when Brett called really excited about some revelations he had.  Everything seemed to make sense.  Everything was going to be okay.  I could get behind this wonderful husband who had this renewed vision, this peace.

But.

Yes, there is always a but.  But when I came back to my real world, the one of frustration, disappointments, and bitterness...I still struggled.  It's hard to change when you are the only component in your world changing.  Still facing the same mean and difficult people.  Still facing the same disappointments. 

And Brett would encourage, "It doesn't matter.  Forgiveness will set you free.  God is the justifier, not you."

And Scripture after Scripture he shares.  Slowly, slowly a root loosens.  Day by day a wind of clarity gently blows through, blowing away the morning reminders of my frustrations and disappointments.

And while I'm still not the most solid girl on the block...er...dirt road, I'm getting better.  This morning I got up and read Isaiah 12.  The Lord is my strength and my song.  Even when I want to weep and complain, I have replaced the complaining with the Truth.  My flesh fails.  My spirit desires more.  And onward I move.  Seeking the more.  Seeking the Truth.  Leaning on my husband.  Leaning on my Christ. 


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1 comment:

Jenny said...

Beautifully written.

It is a choice, every moment to choose joy over bitterness. Sometimes it's harder than others & sometimes it doesn't feel like joy but making the choice for joy kills the roots of bitterness a little more each time you choose it. :o)